Life between the scans

So, upon my request, my oncology and CT appointments are being moved.

It’s funny, a lot of this business with cancer really does take place in the mind. I happen to be in the very fortunate circumstance where there isn’t any pain. Many others don’t have that luxury, but I do and I am thankful for this moment. The pain in my chest has quieted down, and I only get that wheeze when my anxiety kicks in. Actually, as I’ve said before, different moods seem to trigger different reactions in my chest.

Anyhow, all that to say, the appointments are being moved. Some may say it’s risky to move the scan back five weeks. But there are always risks in this “game” of health. There’s the risk of over-treating, the risk of under-treating, the risk of too much radiation, the risk of not knowing what is happening, the risk of knowing too much, the risk of knowing too little.

Or I guess you could say, they are the choices. There are a lot of choices, and yet sometime it also feels like I have no choice at all. This shit is happening and I am dealing.

little bug

Lady Bug. She’s happy to offer a distraction from the swearing in this post.

I have chosen to move my CT scan by five weeks so that for just a little window of time, it can feel like life isn’t all about cancer. This isn’t a cowardly decision, it’s a brave one. That’s how I see it. What is life all about anyhow? Is it about the terror of scans and the waiting for results? Fuck no. Those are not the benchmarks I want to live by. I get the need to be aware and be strategic and yet I need my dose of “normal” too.

Anyhow. Don’t get me started :)

The scans are postponed and I’m happy about it (and apparently defensive). They aren’t gone, but they will keep. And then, once they arrive, life will reboot and we’ll start again from scratch. That’s what it feels like after each of these tests, it feels like starting again from scratch – for better or for worse and no matter what the news, I need to recover and rebuild.

In the meanwhile, I’m dreaming again. It’s a possibly bad habit that I am associating my happiness with my busy project creation, but ever since last year I’ve been compelled to go-go-go.

There is the book, my Literary Love, which I will leave alone for a little while apart from a book signing in June.

And I’m also working on a project to help local writers find one another more easily within Ottawa. Kevin and I are creating a podcast to go with the #OttawaWrites venture, and that is rather exciting. More news to come.

Zsolt and I maintain our big dream of living in both countries, though I’m honestly scared sometimes we won’t get to realize those moments if we keep putting them off. Next year is our ten year anniversary and Zsolt wants us to go back to Nice where we met. :) He is awfully romantic. And I just want to make it there. I want to make it there, and then I want to make it much, much further for years upon years of growing businesses, travelling to Hungary and back, visiting new places, writing in this blog and so much more. Maybe we’ll get a dog?

I’d love to start planning writing retreats for writers, bloggers, authors, etc. Can you imagine going somewhere beautiful and being encouraged to write, write, write while also having a group of like-minded folks to bounce off ideas? A special time made just for you and your passion? That’s what I’d like to do, and I have absolutely no idea how to start that rolling!

Hello gorgeous place to write and retreat! This is from Le Nordic outside of Ottawa, it’s a cabin in the woods by a spa with about 10 different saunas, rest spaces and excuses to live in your bathrobe.

I’d like to also maybe one day set up a writer’s house – which would work just like those shared office hubs – where people could book time to come and work/write and have resources for editing, designing, printing etc. And this place would be in a gorgeous location that feels like a retreat even though it’s really connected to town. :) I don’t know. I just feel like creating and entrepreneuring :)

Plus, I want to give myself time for my own personal creativity – whatever that may be. My next project may not be a book, or maybe it will be . . . I don’t know until I find the quiet space in which to experiment. I have this mental image of throwing spaghatti against the wall till something sticks. That’s kinda the way it goes with me and my mind.

So many ideas.

So many ambitions.

There is so much life to live in between the scans. Putting them off five weeks is a good compromise, I guess. Ideally I’d run away from everything and go live on a beach with Zsolt somewhere. But since isn’t an option . . . five extra weeks, and then we’ll start again.

P.S.

Holy Moly, look what just landed in my inbox today (1 day after the post). Did some sophisticated cookies or internet spiders do this? I swear I didn’t google Nice, France, I only wrote it in the blog. I’m quitely freaking out now as I read way too much into this as a sign . . .when it could simply be very strategic marketing. How is a girl meant to distinguish a sign from the universe from google ninja internet crawlers?! Now I’m all “maybe we should jump on a plane now while we can!” vs “be practical, you are saving for big dreams!”  Air Canada, you done confused me. Probably best to ignore the coincidence since it’s most likely google ninja crawlers. . . I hope, hope, hope.

Air Canada

A little Hungarian lesson for you

This evening I was riding home on the bus, and thought that I’d like to share with you some of my favourite Hungarian expressions, and what they mean in English. Some of these are general expressions, while others are pretty much Catherine-Zsolt made-up and used.

(Oh yes! Now I remember why I wanted to do this. I had just finished a long day of work, and all I could think to myself was “I’m so farkaséhes right now.” Then I thought, “I wish everyone knew what farkaséhes  means, so that I could say it aloud and people would be like, “oh yeah, I hear that!”)

Here we go. A little Hungarian fun :)

First off:

Farkaséhes means . . .

wolf hungryWolf hungry!  (I’m so farkaséhes right now. I’m so Wolf HUNGRY!!)

Next up:

Itt a kezem nem disznóláb means . . .

HANDThis is my hand, not a pig’s foot! (i.e. shake my hand already, it’s not a weapon .  . . a friend told us pig’s feet used to be used a weapons. So go figure.)

And then:

Sasnak Sas A Fia means. . .

eagleEagle’s son is Eagle!!! Zsolt and a friend (same one as before) had a bit too much palinka one evening, and then found a book of Hungarian expressions. Eagle’s son is Eagle figuratively blew their minds. Many years later, he told me this story – as thought this was the apex of all realizations, and I just thought it was hilarious. It is a good expression, but I still like to tease him.

And then there is:

kicsi bogaram, which means

little bugLittle Bug! This is the endearing and loving term that Zsolt’s parents call Zsolt – and me, and his sister, and their puppy. . . so, I like it very much. “My sweet little bug,” Anna often says before expressing concern that maybe we’re too cold, or tired, or overworked. I love it. :)

Next comes:

Minta Bunda, meaning

fuzzy bearLike a fur. As in, “I slept like fur.” That is to say you slept totally beautifully and it was a gorgeous evening of Zzzzzzs.

And last but not least:

Záp tojas, meaning

rotton eggRotten egg! This is what Zsolt might say as a tease, so then I’ll say “Ross Uborka” and that is a Hungarian expression I made up all by myself meaning ‘Bad Cucumber’. So, that’s fun. And, I hope this post was fun for you too. I was so moved by the comments on my previous post, that I thought I’d do something nice and light to say THANK YOU.

You mean a lot to me too.

A Love Between Two Aliens

Last night Zsolt and I were laying in bed and talking. This is what we do, and I reckon it’s what many couples do. I was asking him if he thought we’ve always known one another and could sense each other out across the world before we even met.

He figured that was unlikely. Though he did think it was a miracle we met at all, and quite a remarkable thing if you consider the infinite number of aspects that had to line up for us to meet in that hostel in Nice, and at that time in our lives. The odds are basically even higher than winning the lottery.

I said true enough. It was a miracle that we met, and that we’re together. And I also said that I reckon we did know each other in some sense, even if it wasn’t a past life. Right from the start our energies synced up and I knew he was for me.

He said that maybe we were synced somehow.

You and MeAnd then I came up with the idea that maybe we’re just aliens passing through, and we’re travelling together across the universe – since we enjoy travelling so much – and living a variety of lives and existences as we get to know a place.

He said if that was the case, then we better enjoy our time on earth since we’ll not be stopping here again.

I agreed. I love earth, but if the universe is on offer, how can a alien/person/soul not want to go out there and explore it?

I asked him where he wants to visit next.

He said he didn’t know, but it will be good.

It will be good, I agreed.

Then we talked about Earth, because we’re here now and enjoying ourselves. The people are nice and the scenery is beautiful. Except, of course, not everyone is nice and not everything is beautiful. Certainly not everything is easy. But we like it anyhow. It’s a miracle that it exists, just like it’s a miracle that we are together. And I kinda enjoyed thinking of myself as an alien who is living in a body and passing through.

So, even if he might not believe in past lives, and I might not believe in coincidences, we both certainly believe in miracles. And aliens.

Every day with my husband is a miracle. I couldn’t get more lucky than having him as a companion for travelling the universe, and for talking in bed late at night. So, that is that and I’m very glad for it.

To Zsolt on Valentine’s Day: I love you. : ) Obviously!